Twitching Grey Matter

Yes, yes, I know. First I fall off the radar for months, and now I’m back like a bad plate of sushi, promising shiny new things.

But …

This is real. I have had some majore 3D-world stuff to face down for the past six months or so, and in the midst of very nearly losing my Self, I realized something.

So what?

So what if I’m overwhelmed, over loaded, out of energy, and no longer know which way is up? It’s all about priorities, and it’s damn time I start setting those priorities for myself, rather than allowing the world around me to do the setting. After all, who has my best interests at heart? Me, or the schmoe who is far more concerned with the growth of his beach house hand he will ever be with my happiness, fulfillment, and financial future?

Well, if the answer isn’t a resounding, “ME! Dammit!” I have some serious problems.

But seriously …

I’ve made lists, and I’m knocking stuff off of them one-by-one. One items on the Twitching Grey Matter list is blogging. Blogging twice a week, to be specific. (I’m also blogging twice a week for my ittybiz, Online Sound Advice, but that’s another list entirely.)

As the year progresses, I will be revealing (slowly, because this is a big deal to me and honestly, it’s kind of scary) a massive project I’m taking on, and which will eventually be integrated into this blog. More on that in future posts though.

To those who have, from time to time, checked in here to see where I am and all, I say “thank you.” Really and truly.

For those who forgot that they hadn’t yet deleted this seemingly-defunct feed, I’m asking for another chance. Please.

Here We Go

This isn’t just some random resolution I’ve concocted for the New Year. This is my life. And this blog is the place in which I can bring together all of the random pieces and tidbits that make up who I am, and dump them out into what I hope is at least a semi-intelligible format for your consideration.

I’m still going to hit on communication, theology, quantum theory and mechanics, and all of the other things that fascinate me and hold my attention for uncharacteristically long periods of time. But I’m also going to do more. I’m on an adventure toward building enough varied streams of income to allow me to leave the 5th Circle (my current employer’s nickname … think Dante) without fear of losing my house.

Will it be easy?

Hell no.

Will it be worth it?

As my most beloved writer Madeleine L’Engle once wrote, “Anything on the side of life is worth a try.” And this is most decidedly on the side of life for me.

Welcome to the adventure. Again. I hope you’ll pull up a chair and join me.

I drive a long distance to my job. It’s 30 miles each way, every day. Yes, bleck. Further, this drive is in the vicinity of one of the larger metropolis areas of the United States. So there are a lot of people on the road. A lot of different sorts of people.

And these people and their driving got me to thinking.

Two Sorts of Drivers

It has struck me – since I recently started paying attention – that there are really two main groupings of drivers.

1 – Those who care only about how quickly they can get from point A to point B.

2 – Those who realize we’re all on this road together.

The folks who fall into the first category are the ones who go as fast as the laws of physics (and their engines) will allow, crawling up the tailpipe of anyone blocking their way. They zip in and out of lanes – with millimeters to spare between their bumper and the bumper of the cars around them, passing on whichever side they perceive as being clear enough to get around the person in front of them.

When there is a merge, they don’t let anyone in. When they are merging, they will force you into an emergency stop so they can push their way into traffic.

They invented what I call the “Boston Left Hand Turn”*. They also have no qualms about making right hand turns from the left hand lane (or visa versa).

These folks use their horn a lot and their middle finger even more.

*The Boston Left Hand Turn (think US driving here folks) is when you want to make a left hand turn, and pull out into the near lane, blocking it, until someone in the far lane stops and lets you in so you quit blocking the other lane of traffic. Yes, this happens a lot in Boston, but I’ve seen it other places too.

The folks who fall in the second category may well be just as anxious to reach a given destination as those in the first category, but they approach the whole driving thing in a very different way.

While it may not be conscious, they “get” that everyone on the road is trying to get somewhere, and if we all work at this driving thing together, we’ll all make it in one piece.

These are the folks who pass in the correct passing lane (unless there’s an entirely clueless person blocking that lane forever). They may drive fast, but never so fast that they’re in danger of beginning a low altitude flight.

They make sure they can actually see the car(s) behind them in a mirror before jumping in front of someone, and they don’t force their way into lanes just because they can.

These folks, when faced with a merge situation, will slow down or speed up to facilitate the cars merging with them. And when they’re merging they will get into traffic in such a way so as to not endanger lives.

In short, this second group works with the drivers around them to keep things moving and safe.

But what does this have to do with communication?

Well, given that I have such a long drive, I see lots of each category of people every day. The saddest days are when someone from category 1 misjudges something and ends up killing themselves and/or someone from category 2 (I’ve seen both first hand).

But as I thought more about it, I realized that the way people communicate broadly fit into these two categories as well.

Category 1

When these folks communicate, they have an end point in mind. Diversions from this end point are a waste of their time and so they constantly pull back the focus of the conversation to their perceived path of their desired end point.

You often find that conversations with these folks are about them and their stories. Any stories you tell them are really a means for them to tell you their own version of the same story-type.

They often talk fast, and rather than spending time listening, they’re really just waiting for you to stop talking so they can talk.

Category 2

When these folks communicate, they’re working to make sure that the message they want to give is being received in the clearest possible way by everyone else involved. They strive for clarity and want to use communication as a means of getting things done, expressing an opinion or desire, or being with others more fully.

They love to collect the stories of others, because this enriches their own experience of the world. They often also love to tell stories, but as a way of giving to others as they have received.

They will often listen more than they speak, but aren’t necessarily afraid to share their opinions.

No, this isn’t perfect…

…but it’s not meant to be. These are just broad categories.

Now I have no doubt that it’s obvious which sort of driver and which sort of communicator I think is more desirable.

I despise the drivers who force me to slam on my brakes because they just had to force their way into a space that wasn’t big enough for their vehicle. Likewise, I struggle mightily communicating with people whose only focus is themselves and their needs.

In the case of the former I am ashamed to admit that once such driver who nearly clipped me caused a major accident a few miles later. My shame comes from the fact that I had a “well you deserved it, asshole” moment when I saw his car flipped over.

In the case of the latter, I am equally ashamed to admit that I end up not taking these folks seriously. I quit listening to them. And that really just means I’ve become like them and well, that’s not a good thing.

The Point

The point is that we can make choices in how we drive and how we communicate. And those choices have tangible effects on people around us. Sometimes these effects are literally life-and-death (though more with driving than with communication).

What choice will you make?

I’ve been sick for more than a week now. Coughing fits so severe that I fully expect to see what the inside of my own lung looks like one of these times.

I don’t get sick often. It’s even more unusual for me to get sick in the summertime. After all, during the summer there’s lots of air flow sweeping away the icky germs that can cause this stuff.

And when I do get sick, it typically only lasts a couple of days; three at most.

But not this time. I’m currently on day 11 of this strange version of whooping cough. Yes, I know it’s not actually whooping cough, but the coughing is bad enough that the cats scurry out of the room when the fit is upon me.

Still, in the midst of this I ask myself why am I sick? And why is it taking so long to get out of my system? After all, I can accept that everyone gets sick sometimes. It’s just part of the way the human body works.

And then I remembered something…

For anyone who doesn’t know, I’m sort of a fangirl of Pam Slim. And if you’ve not been paying attention here, Pam’s fantabulous blog, Escape from Cubicle Nation, has spawned a book by the same title.

In her book, Pam talks about the fact that some work environments can fit us so poorly that they make us physically ill. She’s not talking about toxins in the office building (though that’s a subject all its own); she’s talking about the demands placed upon you by a job you are ill-suited for breaking down your immune system to the point that it picks up bugs like a hooker on the Boulevard on Saturday night.

Is this me?

Well obviously, my immune system is compromised enough that I picked up a rather virulent bug. Where did I get it? Honestly, I have no idea.

I’ve not been to the doctor’s office or a hospital lately (best two places in the world to get sick). My SBH has been out of town for work for more than a month. No plague-carrying munchkins in my life. No one in the 5th Circle has been sick lately either.

So although the genesis of my sickness isn’t obvious, I’m still sick. And it’s hanging on.

Could it be work that’s (at least) exacerbating it?

I think so.

I have so much on my plate that it looks like Bubba’s plate at the Country Buffet just after the waitstaff issue last call. Even if I spent all my time doing the tasks that are dripping off the sides of my plate, I’d still never get it all done.

It’s. Not. Physically. Possible.

So yeah, I have some stress.

Plus there’s that whole thing of not actually liking what I’m doing. Yeah, that’s a problem.

It’s not that I didn’t believe Pam’s assertions before. Not at all. I just (stupidly) didn’t think I was one of those people who could get sick because of what their day job is doing to them physically, psychically, and spiritually.

Is this you?

Seriously, is it? Are you getting sicker more often and for longer periods of time than you used to? Is there any possibly of a causal relationship between the getting (and staying) sick and your job?

(And for the record, I personally believe that this can just as easily happen to entrepreneurs who choose their line of business unwisely.)

If this is you, what are you doing to change things? This is an actual question. I really do want to know. I’m trying to do this myself and am a bit stuck – despite some of my recent progress.

I’m asking for your wisdom here folks. Do you suffer in sickness? Do you say f#@% it all and change everything? Do you set an end point and do what you must to meet it? What do you do?

The Point

Yes, I’m seriously asking this for my own growth and understanding, but I also feel that there’s value in each of us asking ourselves these sorts of questions regularly.

You may be fortunate and blessed enough to be doing exactly the work you most want to do every moment of the day. If that’s you, I’m really and truly very happy for you. But, I honestly don’t believe that’s most of us.

Even if you love what you do most of the time, those other things can become incredibly burdensome and morph into some of what I’ve been talking about above.

But perhaps the true wisdom is in questioning yourself on where you are, what you’re doing, and how you feel about it BEFORE you get all coughing-up-a-lung sick.

Paying more attention to what you’re doing, who you are, and what makes you want to get out of bed in the morning other than a full bladder can perhaps prevent situations like the one in which I find myself right now.

It’s all about paying attention. Something I’m finally learning to do.

How about you?

If you look at my alleged location in my Twitter profile, you’ll see that it says I’m in the “Land of Unfettered Minds.” In truth, this isn’t anywhere … well, not anywhere you’ll find on a map.

To me, the Land of Unfettered Minds is a place in which we are able to sit with one another, communicate clearly our wants and needs and desires, and clearly understand and receive the wants and needs and desires of those with us in that place. This place is my goal; the land where I want to end up, and to which I’m inviting you to travel.

If you dare.

Yes it actually is a sort of dare, because it is a challenging journey. A journey in which we must all unlearn so very much that we’ve been taught by our culture, our media, and (often) by those we hold most dear in this life.

The vast majority of our poor communication habits are learned behaviors. We learned them because they were modeled for us by our parents, siblings, teachers, and others whose paths crossed ours at one time or another. When any child sees the same sort of behavior modeled again and again, that child unconsciously comes to understand that this is how to behave. And that’s what happens. If we had more folks whose communication habits were healthier surrounding us when we grew up, we’d likely have healthier habits now.

I’m not blaming here; just explaining that who we are now – the ways in which we communicate with ourselves and one another – are based upon behaviors we learned when we were rug rats, scooting around on the lineolium.

But Now, We Have Choices

Yup, I’m about to say that we don’t have to maintain those bad habits. We can even – GASP! – learn new, better communication habits.

Here’s a secret: This isn’t the easiest of tasks. But don’t let that stop you.

Seriously.

Don’t let it stop you.

Why?

Because you’ll get to visit the Land of Unfettered Minds. And who doesn’t want to do that?

Okay, more seriously then…

Fresh Breath and More Hot Dates

Oh wait. I said “more seriously,” didn’t I? Oh well.

Here’s the thing … getting rid of unhealthy and unhelpful communication habits changes the way you interact with yourself and with the world.

For the better.

Example?

Let’s say you’re like me and whenever you make a moving-too-fast-with-too-many-balls-in-the-air mistake the first thing you think is “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” When I continuously tell myself that I’m stupid, my Self – that innate part of me that is most truly Me – comes to believe it. My Self takes in that information and sews it on to my identity … kind of like a patchwork quilt.

The more I tell myself how stupid I am, the more “Stupid!” patches get sewn on to the quilt. If it goes on long enough, I end up with a “Stupid!” Quilt.  Yup, and this quilt – made up of me telling myself how Stupid! I am – is what my Self wraps me in whenever I’m feeling scared and alone.

So then in a moment where comfort and love are called for, I’m wrapped in a quilt made up of Stupid! patches. So much for comfort and love, eh?

The Value of UnLearning

Now imagine this … instead of saying “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” every time I make a mistake (and trust me, I make lots and lots of mistakes), I say something different; something new to my Self.

Maybe I say, “Oops! I shouldn’t have tried to do that when I have so much else going on. Need to remember that for next time something similar comes up.”

Or perhaps bettter:

“Wow, that wasn’t the smartest thing I’ve ever done. Why did I do that? Oh really? Okay, I need to get my Self and my actions onto the same page. There. That’s much better.”

There are many variations on this theme, none of which include the creation of a Stupid! patch for my quilt. In fact, some of these create patches that are made up of “forgiveness” and “compassion” and “remembering” and even “love.”

And you know what happens then when my Self wraps me in my quilt?

I don’t hate myself more and more. Instead, I soak in the warm goodness of compassion, forgiveness, remembering, and love. And in turn I can’t help but to send that out to those with whom I interact.

In other words, a journey to the Land of Unfettered Minds – the land in which you have unlearned bad communication habits, and developed better, kinder, healthier ones – can change your entire world.

Do you dare?

Are you willing to make this leap of faith into this undiscovered country? The journay may not always be easy, but it will be worth it.

Really.

Promise.

Wanna come?

Just in case you’ve been living inside of WoW for the past nine or so months, there’s been a lot of bad news going around the world as of late. Some of it is truly bad news; some of it is hype that comes dressed as bad news.

Either way, repeated applications of bad news is not unlike repeated high velocity applications of one’s head to a wall … it’s gonna leave a mark.

In fact, I’ve been pretty much MIA from this space for a month. It’s not you … it’ s not me; it’s the real world interfering with my life. But interestingly, this last month of absolute and utter bizarreness has yielded some important lessons in dealing with the construction, timing, and delivery of Bad News.

A Quick Reality Check

I know that lots of people want to avoid bad news all together. But the reality of living life is that bad stuff is part of it. Truth be told, how would you really know good news if you didn’t have some bad news for contrast?

Bad news can be given in multiple ways. Many of them are very, very bad. Sadly, the bad ways seem to be the most popular. I still don’t know why this is. Anyone who has insight on why we humans consistently make certain bad choices, please speak up.

Bad news can also be given in good ways. This doesn’t mean that the news is made good by way of the delivery method; it’s more that the bad news is delivered in a way that doesn’t sully the soul of the giver or the receiver any more than is absolutely necessary.

Preparing for Bad News

If you’re in business, at some point you’re going to lose a client (bad news for you), fire a client (bad news for them), or if you have staff you will likely one day release an employee involuntarily (firing or layoff). All of these inherently suck, but they are necessary parts of doing business. So find the best way (for you) to do it and practice kindness and compassion throughout.

It begins with constructing you message.

What is it that you’re going to say? Perhaps more importantly, what is it that you’re not going to say? Start with the ideas you need to communicate. Even if it’s just random thoughts, jot them down on paper or a whiteboard or your computer screen. Don’t worry about making it flow, grammer, or even if it makes sense. Just get down the core elements that you know you need to communicate.

From this kind of brainstorming, draw out the core ideas you need to communicate. When you’re transmitting bad news to someone, you do not want to be verbose. Really. This is a time to edit mercilessly down to the essentials and leave the rest aside.

Now that you have your core ideas, shape them into words and sentences and even a paragraph or two. Refine what you have written. Get out all of the unnecessary words. And if you think you have no unnecessary words, ask someone else to read it for you and to be brutally honest. I can almost guarantee that you do have unnecessary words.

Make sure that you’re not particularly emotional in your communication. It’s okay (and perfectly human) to feel bad about delivering bad news. What you don’t want to do is to give any sense to your audience that they should feel bad for you as you tell them the bad news. This is the height of inappropriate manipulation. Do not do this.

Once you’ve edited down to a clear, concise, and as non-emotional communication as possible its time to think about timing of delivery.

When to give Bad News

Well this depends. On a lot of factors. Something to really think about is if you were in the position of being the recipient of this bad news from you, when would you want to know? In the morning? The afternoon? A Monday? A Thursday?

Consider all of the players – yourself, the recipient(s) of the bad news, and anyone else who is directly or indirectly effected by delivery of the bad news. Make the best possible choice, balancing the needs and interests of the players, but I would encourage you to put the needs of the recipients first.

Yes, yes, there’s no “good” time for delivering bad news. But there are certainly times that are less bad than others. Find the less bad times.

Delivery

Before you even enter the room, put yourself in the metaphorical shoes of the one about to receive the bad news. Think about the news you’re about to deliver, and how you’d feel if you were receiving it. Remember that feeling.

When you have the person(s) in front of you, don’t beat around the bush. Stick to the communication you crafted earlier. Do the best you can, with as much compassion you can muster. Avoid being overly-emotional (this doesn’t help anyone and may well induce feelings of guilt in your audience, which isn’t cool). Say what you have to say and then move on.

The Point

We live in a world of regular layoffs and firings today. Some are handled quite well. Many are not. If you are the giver of bad news it is incumbent upon you to be a human being conveying difficult information to other human beings. Anything less marks you as an ass.

Don’t be an ass.

Bad news sucks. But bad news is a part of life. You have a choice about how bad the bad news really is. What will your choice be?

Boundaries are important in all sorts of ways. Like . . . 

TMI = Too Much Information

The harder part in all of this is often the setting of boundaries. At least for most people. Okay, at least for me.

Why?

I know people for whom boundary-setting is nigh unto impossible. They’d rather give themselves an appendectomy without painkillers than to say “no, I will not be able to do that for you” to someone. Particularly if it’s someone they care about.

I’m not that bad, but I will admit that setting boundaries is not easy for me, which is part of why it’s on my mind.

The other reason boundaries are on my mind…

I took a RESTival over the weekend. I borrowed the term from the lovely and talented Sugarwilla, but the time was all mine. I intentionally made almost no plans for my RESTival, given that it was supposed to be RESTful.

Sadly, it didn’t work out quite that way.

Instead, I ended up working on a project that’s not mine as a favor for a friend. I know that the favor is the right thing to do, but when the favor turned into demands, I knew I had to put a stop to things. 

In other words, I had to set boundaries.

Which promptly gave me a tummy ache that required a walk.

After the walk, I wrote an email, in which I set some boundaries. Then I was smart enough to have my Significantly Better Half (SBH) read thorough it to help me take out anything that could be construed as bitching rather than boundary-setting. 

NOTE: When you set boundaries, not being bitchy is key. Boundaries ought never be a “so there!” moment, but rather a means of saying something more like, “hey, this is making me uncomfortable and I need you to understand that there are things I can’t do and continue to feel safe.”

So finally, after much editing for clarity, I clicked send. 

Another tummy ache.

Another walk.

Then, after I’d gotten back, a phone call. And I was lucky enough to be on the receiving end of some serious anger. And some accusations. And some untruths.

Lucky me.

Sadly, I wasn’t surprised by this reaction.

Not because the email recipient is a bad person … far from it. I was not surprised mainly because when we wait too long to set boundaries (as I did in this instance), the other party involved is often surprised by the creation of boundaries.

Not setting boundaries earlier was my fault. But not having set them even when I did would have been worse.

Today, I think things are mildly better. I think. Still struggling with getting the boundaries across. Still struggling with being yelled at for saying “no.”

But my little drama is not the point.

The Point

The point is that other people can’t read our minds and know when our boundaries are being trampled. And the sad, sad truth is that there are a whole lot of good people in this world who will – unconsciously for the most part – take total advantage of you if you do not communicate your boundaries to them.

No one can read your mind.

Let me repeat that because for some reason a lot of people seem to think that everyone else should “know” how they feel/what they’re thinking.

No one can read your mind!

You must communicate your needs, wishes, desires if you actually want someone else to know what they are. More importantly, you must communicate them in a clear fashion that can get through the muck of interference between you and the other person as well as that other person’s own personal muck.

If you don’t communicate your boundaries (and then live into them and – within reason – stick by them) you will be taken advantage of. And then you’ll feel bad and angry and have a tummy ache and need to take a walk. Although taking walks is good, it’s better if you’re taking a walk because it feels good; not because you’re trying to lose a stress-induced tummy ache.

Here are three tips for communicating your boundaries effectively.

1. Know your own limits in advance. Sit down with yourself and decide what you need to do (in general) to feel safe and cared for. Then live that. This will keep you out of some of the ugly situations to start.
2. If you are entering a situation in which you have concerns about projects, relationships, whatever moving into a danger zone for you, lay out roles and responsibilities up front with everyone else involved. Rather than saying “I will do this” or “I won’t do that”, try defining who is responsible for what, when and then just do it.
3. If you’re in too far and need to define boundaries on the fly, write it out. Even if it’s scrawled on the inside of a candy bar wrapper, write it out. Then get someone who is totally uninvolved in the situation to read it. Don’t bitch. Don’t whine. Just say what you need to say to get yourself back into a good place. Nothing more. Just the basic words you need to communicate. This is no time to be florid. Once it’s reasonably neat and orderly, send it off and/or speak the words (as appropriate). Expect a bad reaction, but know that you’re doing the right thing. Move forward.

Setting boundaries can be tough, but it’s important. Particularly if you want to be your best you.

I have a pet peeve about the interweb. Well, truth be told, I have many pet peeves about the interweb, but I’m focusing on only one of them today … along with a magic elixir I’ve found that is restoring my faith in humanity … or at least part of the interweb.

Gurus

Because the interweb is an almost-free platform, any schmo can acquire a URL, slap up a blog, and start spouting off about their “expertise.” Many (some might argue most) of these folks don’t know squat. They’re here to jump on the latest “get rich quick” bandwagon. The sad thing is that on their way to obscure failure, many of them unfortunately sucker some good folks out of their hard-earned money along the way. 

In other words, P.T. Barnum is alive and well, and living on the interweb.

Getting Specific

My specific issue with many of these self-proclaimed gurus is that they give you all manner of vague ideas of things you can do to change your world. They offer up suggestions of tools (which can be quite helpful), and myriad concepts, constructs, and general ideas designed to jump start your new direction/career/practice/whatever.

What they most often leave out is the How of their grandiose vision of this brave new world. Without that How, many (most?) people will get excited and then run off in multiple directions simultaneously, thereby ripping the fabric of Space-Time.

Okay, maybe that last point is a tad overly-dramatic, but it can certainly feel a lot like that when you’re the one running off in all of those directions at once.

Putting the How in How-To

I have, however, found a ray of hope in the morass of mediocrity. This ray of hope comes in the form of a new book by Pamela Slim. Escape from Cubicle Nation: From Corporate Prisoner to Thriving Entrepreneur is Pam’s first book, and it is proof-positive that there are coaches and gurus out there who are producing implement-it-right-now sorts of material. 

Full Disclosure: Before the book was released, I signed up for an e-class (my first one ever!) that Pam is leading on this same subject. So I’ve had some contact with Pam through that and have come to the conclusion that she’s a pretty awesome person, teacher, and knows what the heck she’s talking about. Also, she was generous enough to send me a copy of the book, but I assure you that I had decided that her awesomeness quotient was through the roof before she sent the book. Honest.

What is unique about Pam’s book is that she holds your hand in a supportive (as opposed to condescending) manner throughout. She shows you how to made the decision on whether you are cut out to jump ship, or whether you ought to consider just finding another corporation.

True Gurus

Pam does not start from the premise that all corporations are inherently evil. She acknowledges that some folks are indeed best-suited to work in that structured environment. Her council to those folks is to keep in mind that the guarantee of lifetime employment has gone the way of Leave it to Beaver re-runs and that no matter our choice of employment situation, we must each be looking out for ourselves and our family’s best interest.

She meets you where you are. Wherever that might be. To my mind, this marks Pam as a true guru, in that she asks questions that help you sort out your own direction, rather than demanding you follow her divinely-inspired “6 1/2 step plan to change the world.”

Clearly, she has a bias toward those who would seek the entrepreneurial path … that is, after all, the thesis of the book. But rather than telling everyone to take a big breath and do a sailor dive into the murky waters of self-employment, she offers tangible steps and exercises to execute before making the leap.

More than that, Pam actually addresses the very real fears that accompany the process, and offers suggestions, tips, and tricks on how to face them constructively and determine what they’re actually trying to tell you.

The Real World

On top of all of this tangible how-oriented advice and practice, Pam also brings in frequent real-world stories and examples to illustrate her points. She points to other high-integrity gurus out there who bring good stuff to the change-your-life-for-the-win table. She talks about her own challenges (and sometimes failures) in this adventure of entrepreneurial bliss. 

The exercises are clearly ones she’s used before, and the stories appear to be ones she’s been told first-hand. Combined, they set Pam apart from the pack of would-be self-help gurus in that she’s actually living a real life and not telling all of us little worker ants that we really ought to find a way to ascend to her plain of nirvana-like existence.

The Point

This is a good book.

Pam’s writing is accessible and she and her editors have produced a clean and pleasant-to-read book (though I wish the designer had bumped it up a pica or two). Already in it’s second printing, Escape from Cubicle Nation is worth reading, studying, and applying to your life – no matter your proclivities for vocation.

We … all of us … could stand some good mentoring when it comes to communication. This goes for me too. 

Having an outside perspective that you have chosen to trust and heed is a big deal. A mentor gets to know you for you. Outside of any tasks or functions. A mentor can help you see yourself more clearly, and the good ones can say just about anything to you and have you actually hear it, because you have made the choice to believe that your mentor has your best interests at heart.

Because communication is so very central to our businesses, our life, and to our very sense of being, finding someone to serve as a mentor to you as a communicator is something to seriously consider. But if you choose to head down that path, know up front that it should be for the long haul.

Why Mentors are not Coaches

I want to say up front that some coaches are also quite capable mentors, and that some mentors also function as coaches, but there is a distinction in functionality between the two positions.

A coach typically gets you through some specific issue or task. 

Launching a business.

Pushing through a divorce.

Taking your successful business to the next level.

Learning to be a better parent.

While any or all of these may have a larger element that is suited for mentoring, many people find coaches to help them through those specific tasks or learnings in order to achieve some set goal. 

A mentor, on the other hand, is typically interested in a larger picture of you. Rather than just wanting to get you through a specific goal, a mentor wants to see your whole life come together to a fulfilling completeness.

Now I don’t want to get into a semantics argument here. Yes, there’s overlap in each of these. Yes, there are people who call themselves “life coaches” who are probably functioning more as “mentors” than as “coaches”. That’s not my point however. 

But isn’t being a better communicator a coaching function?

Yes and no. If you want someone to help you create (as opposed to creating for you) a bang-up business plan, or identity for your new or existing venture, or a newly-focused resume that totally kicks bootie, yes, that’s a specific coaching function.

If, on the other hand, you’re looking for someone to help you communicate more effectively with your boss, your subordinates, your customers, your spouse, your kids, you might be looking for a mentor. Why? Because it’s not just about one thing, situation, or person. It’s about you and your whole being as a communicator.

An Example (told with permission)

A man I know came to me asking me to coach him through a situation at his work. He needed to find a way to effectively communicate with a supervisor who seemed incapable of listening to him. Basically, this man (let’s call him Fred) was so frustrated by his boss’s “inability to listen” that he was ready to quit. The depressing part of this was that Fred loves his job and the company; just not his boss.

As we talked, I asked him a bunch of questions about his boss and asked him to relate to me his recollection of their conversations. What was interesting to me was that Fred could remember every single word he had said to his boss – complete with “air quotes” for emphasis – but he could not ever give me a verbatim recollection of what his boss said to him. 

So I asked Fred about conversations with his spouse. Again, he could quote verbatium what he remembered saying to her, but little or nothing of what she said to him. Even in non-confrontational communications. Same went for his kids.

So I asked him,

“Fred, when you’re in a conversation with someone, how much of the time do you talk, and how much of the time do you listen?”

He had no idea.

So I asked him to try an experiment with his spouse. I asked him to tell her that he was going to try to time the amount of time he talked versus the amount of time he listened. As dorky as it may sound, he walked around the house for a week with a stopwatch and note pad. Whenever he started talking, he noted the time on his wristwatch. Then he would start the stopwatch when he started talking and stop it when he was listening.

It was pretty awkward for him (and his spouse) at first, but he pushed through the weirdness pretty quickly.

Why?

Because he very quickly discovered something. He discovered that he was talking somewhere around 90% of the time in his normal conversations with his spouse.

90%

On his own, he did this same experiment with his kids (who were old enough to understand that Dad was being weird, but that it did have a purpose). He achieved a similar response.

When we talked about this, Fred couldn’t believe it. In fact, he started arguing with me about it and how the timing had caused an artificiality to his conversations and that must be the reason for such a skewed result. 

Then I told him that I had already done this experiment without him knowing it on our own conversations. Keep in mind that he came to me, asking for help. The number I’d come up with, averaged across four conversations, was 86%. 

To make a very long story much shorter, Fred and I worked on listening. Not just waiting to speak, but on actually listening. Guess what happened? Fred realized that his boss wasn’t such a jerk after all. He just hadn’t heard anything that his boss had been saying to that point. He’s much happier now.

Guess what else happened? He has grown closer to his kids – because he now hears what’s actually going on with them, as opposed to what he thinks they should be doing – and his relationship with his spouse (which he thought was okay already) has become “spectacular.”

And it’s all because he learned to become a better communicator. Across the whole of his life; not just one situation.

The Point

I think coaches are great. But I think that mentoring is a function that has been pushed to the side because of misuse of the concept. I’d like to reclaim this idea of mentoring and put it into play. When we find someone we can trust enough to grow as a human being, we learn and become more than the sum of our parts.

Mentors rule!

I have written a short story. And it’s all Em’s fault. It started with Twitter (which I am coming to believe is the true Root of All Evil). She posted a link to a new blog called the Collective Inkwell. The kind gentlemen over there decided to have a short story contest.

The rules are simple. Write a short story using one of two sentences for the starting point. The winner gets a Blog-Makeover (which kind of feels as though Oprah should be involved, but maybe that’s just me). Seriously, what they’re offering is a very cool customized Thesis theme for the winner.

Em said on Twitter that she wanted to do this, but that she didn’t have the time. I told her to do it anyway. Again, she protested about the time. I pledged to do it with her. Still didn’t work. So I pulled out the big guns …

I triple-dog-dared her.

Yup. I went there.

In fairness, after that gauntlet, she had no choice. And being a woman of my word, I did my duty and wrote one as well. And now I’m posting it.

Per the rules, I’m putting the first paragraph here, followed by a link to the Collective Inkwell post. If you’re intrigued, please chase this post over to the Inkwell and scroll through the comments and you’ll find mine. Let me know what you think in the comments here if you like.

Once the contest is through, I’ll post the whole story here.

The first paragraph (inclusive of leading sentence):

Well this is odd, he thought to himself. I didn’t imagine quite so much blood. Not on me at any rate.

Now off with you to the Collective Inkwell.

I have recently taken on something of a new adventure. I’ve joined a class designed to help create a life beyond corporate existence (business-wise; it’s too early for metaphysics folks!) taught by the incredible Pamela Slim. If you don’t know, Pam is a coach and blogger over at Escape from Cubicle Nation. As if this weren’t enough, Pam’s shiny new book – also titled Escape from Cubicle Nation – goes on sale this Thursday (but you can pre-order by clicking on the book title link, or – better – go to your local independent bookstore and order it there). 

Back to the class. It’s called Life After the Cubicle: A Quickstart Guide to a Successful Transition to Self-Employment. It’s been an interesting adventure thus far, and it strikes me as being an interesting case study for TGM here in the Land of Unfettered Minds. But first, a couple of disclaimers.

1. There’s nothing I’m going to write here that I would not say to Pam face-to-face. In fact, I’ll be emailing her about the existence of this post as soon as I post it. So if you’re looking for something snarky, this is not where you want to be. 
2. This post represents MY experiences and MY opinions. Because I am not the center of the universe, nor am I omnicient or omnipresent, I do not claim that anyone shares either these experiences or opinions. So pick up your shaker of salt and apply as necessary.

My Big First Step

I’m not into groups. Not really. It’s not that I don’t play nicely with others (I do), it’s that my learning style has ebbs and flows to it that tend to annoy other people … meaning people who don’t know me in 3D. I can take in monumental amounts of data in a single go (think: taking a full on drink from a fire hose), but then I need time to process. In the processing time, I tend to be quiet and non-participatory. It’s totally different when I’m leading a group, but my “student” vibe is, well, kind of weird.

Still, I’d been following Pam via her blog and Twitter for awhile, and when she mentioned that she was starting up a new class, I was intrigued. You see, I’d much rather do one-on-one training with a Pam or a Naomi, but right now, the cash flow won’t permit it. So I knew that if I wanted help to push forward, I needed to compromise. Because Pam was offering a limited-time early sign-up discount, I was tempted.

Me being me, I had to sit on it for awhile, which I did. Then I consulted with my Significantly Better Half and got the go-ahead. My finger hovered over the mouse button at least a minute (maybe two) before I clicked to confirm the order. I know that sounds silly, but that’s how hard this stuff can be for me.

Getting Going

Due to the fact that I was an early adopter, I knew I had to wait awhile before things would get going.

I hate waiting.

If I remember correctly, the original launch date was on 30 March. As the date approached, I became a little obsessive in checking the seminar site as well as my email, anxiously awaiting word of things launching.

And then there was a delay.

Pam emailed to let me know that she was nearly ready to launch, but that she was likely going to miss her launch date. Her note was encouraging, honest, and didn’t make excuses. Each of these indicated to me that she is a human being with the limitations of a human being and despite the fact that she’s a professional, stuff goes wrong sometimes. 

We traded emails back and forth a couple of times, and I settled in to wait. 

By 3 April my impatient self got the better of me, and I emailed her for an update. It seems that she had had to re-record the whole of her audio seminars because of a crying little one in the background. Yuck.

I would like to self-satisfiedly note that I quelled the audio engineer part of my Self and didn’t give her tips on how to avoid that sort of problem in future. I sensed that this would NOT be welcome information just then. And an attempt to be helpful would’ve caused Pam stress she neither wanted nor needed at that point. (Which is a helpful lesson in remembering when NOT to communicate!)

Launch

I have an email time stamped 1:17 AM, 4 April announcing the launch of Pam’s seminar. 

Yea! At last! I can get going!

Or not.

The system didn’t like me so much, so I couldn’t log in. But thanks to Pam being totally on top of things, it was sorted in less than an hour. I was particularly pleased and surprised when Pam gave me her mobile number and offered to help via phone if I still couldn’t get in. 

So I was in. But not many other people were there, which is okay. But of course I blew threw the audio portions (twice) and posted a couple of random thoughts in the forum. Some of the initial responses I got confused me (in part because I didn’t know that one of the forum members was Pam’s assistant and was a tad flummoxed by one particular reply).

Forging Ahead

After waiting (to no avail) a whole three days for life-altering insights to descend upon me from somewhere in the stratosphere, I wrote a post entitled “Patience Now!”.  Yeah, I didn’t want to wait for the official launch; I wanted hot-buttered-revelations NOW! 

Fortunately, Pam replied in an amused (rather than annoyed) fashion.

What I was really looking forward to were the “Coaching Gym” calls. In these calls, Pam was going to answer questions and help participants forge ahead with their dreams and plans for World Domination … er … um … Life Outside the Cubicle.

It was in these calls that I hoped to glean some wisdom from Pam as well as the other participants. 

My Own Stuck

You see, I get stuck on the “how” of this work. I have too many options from which to choose, and even if I choose one “just for now” I get caught on the brambles of implementation. I can implement one helluva plan for just about anyone … anyone who isn’t me. 

So I dutifly worked on the lessons in Pam’s workbook, sharing some pieces with the group. Concurrent to this work, however, I was chomping at the bit for the call to happen. The delays seemed endless.

Finally, it was scheduled

Midday (Easter Time) of 22 April was to be the first Coaching Gym call. Not ideal for me, because of the day job, but it was too important to miss. I switched things around, but wrote a note on the forum indicating that other times for future calls might make it easier for those still trapped in corporate purgatory.

Then…

On the morning of the day of the scheduled call, it was pushed back. 

A week.

Another whole week to wait. 

BLECK.

And I wasn’t the only one. 

A small flurry of posts reflected disappointment and/or frustration over the last-minute change … even though the change was reflective of Pam trying to be responsive to requests for a more job-friendly meeting time.

Poor Pam. Trapped between trying to be responsive and following through on scheduled calls for which people had planned ahead!

So Pam Responded

Pam responded by following through on that day’s call – at a later time in the day – for anyone who could make it. And for anyone who couldn’t make it, Pam promised 15 minutes of one-on-one time for those who wanted it. 

Wow. Seriously. Wow.

Keep in mind that Pam is launching a book, running an important blog, launching a book, doing publicity, writing like a mad woman, launching a book, being a mom, and trying to get this $%#@ class going with impatient buggers like me in it! (For those of you who have never been part of a book launch, trust me, the multiple mentions of Pam’s book launch are a gross understatement of the work that goes into it. Honest.)

She took time that she had likely planned for other things to be responsive to the folks in the class. 

Once again, I say: Wow.

The Point

Life happens. Things that we plan – launches, calls, schedules, whatever – sometimes go awry despite our best work at pre-planning. But particularly when others are involved, your response – or your responsiveness – makes all of the difference in the world.

I have no doubt that Pam would have:

• Preferred to not have needed to re-record the audio of the seminar
• Preferred to launch on time
• Preferred to have no one with conflicts for the calls
• Preferred to have spent the evening of 22 April with her dearly beloved and munchkins

Despite these preferred realities, Pam chose to deal effectively and actively with the one with which she was presented. 

Pam did some things that have fallen out of fashion with too many people in the world today:

1. She apologized for the goofs for which she was personally responsible
2. She fixed problems as soon as she was aware of them
3. She changed her schedule to accommodate as many people as was reasonably possible
4. She actively communicated with everyone effected by problems/changes positively and quickly

It’s easy in business and in life to expect others to adjust to you. True leaders take the contrarian path and lead by serving. It’s a radical choice, but at least for someone like me, it engenders loyalty and a willingness to tell others that Pam is the kind of person worth following with both your time and your money.

She’s a great example. Now go emulate.