Twitching Grey Matter

A friend passed along to me a lecture by Australian writer Don Watson, given at the Australian National University. You can Google him  to find out more, but he’s done a lot of things – including working as a speech writer for an Aussie politician – and he has not yet lost his sense of humor.

Anyway, the gist of this lecture, given in support of his latest book, Bendable Learnings, is that Corporate America are destroying our ability to communicate via language. (Truthfully, he skewers all corporate speak; he just has so many excellent examples coming out of the American flavor that it’s a bit weighted that way.) BTW, it’s not available yet in the United States.

You can watch the lecture for yourself here.

Give yourself some time to listen. It’s worth the effort.

He lambastes PowerPoint – one of my least favorite software packages. Yes, Keynote and the Open Office equivalent also go in this pile. Although there’s a kind of underground movement afoot to change the way presentations using these softwares is done, mainstream corporate folks still depend on meaningless clauses (if they even deserve any sort of speech-part definition) bullet pointed into inanity.

Because one of my many jobs within the 5th Circle is being the public voice of the whole organization, I understand all too well the insanity Mr Watson highlights. It doesn’t seem to matter how very hard I try; the meaningless insertion of “outcomes” or “metrics” or “value proposition” creeps in.

It’s true, I sneak through actual thought content on a semi-regular basis, but  not nearly often enough for it to have genuine value. I know this. It’s one of the reasons I hang out here.

Who else out there is subjected to this non-speak on a daily basis? What do you do to keep it from making you stupid? Let’s learn from one another.

What is compassion really? We talk about it a lot.

Compassion for those caught up in the Haiti earthquake.

Compassion for the homeless.

Compassion for the abused and disenfranchised.

Compassion for the suffering of others.

But what do we really mean by it? Is it a synonym for sympathy? For empathy? For something else entirely?

I can’t help myself. I need my OED.

Interestingly, the most extensive English-language dictionary has relatively little to say on this word. (For the OED, this means less than a full column’s worth of meanings.)

The first two definitions are particularly interesting to me.

1. Suffering together with another, participation in suffering; fellow-feeling.

2. The feeling or emotion, when a person is moved by the suffering or distress of another, and by the desire to relieve it; pity that inclines one to spare or to succor.

Interestingly, there’s a note accompanying definition #2.

(The compassion of sense 1 was between equals or fellow-sufferers; this is shown toward a person in distress by one who is free from it, who is, in this respect, his superior.)

Why I’m confused.

This word compassion comes from Latin (which of course has some Greek roots, but I’m trying hard not to get carried away by my geeky love of words). Depending upon your source, it means com (together with) + pati (to suffer) or passus (which is directly related to the English word “patient”  (one who suffers).

The inherent meaning of the structure of the word implies a condition in which the one who has compassion is participating in the suffering in some way, shape or form. Deeper than empathy, compassion isn’t just a feeling; it’s related to a shared suffering that results in action of one sort or another.

Why has the meaning morphed to include the outsider’s view of the OED’s definition #2? This isn’t a recent thing; the oldest source the OED cites for definition #2 comes from the 14th century, so this isn’t some modern growth of the word.

I Need Different Sources.

So I look to the sources from which many of our concepts of compassion come: faith traditions.

Whether you know it or not, compassion is one of the few things that all of the world’s major religions seems to agree on.

Jews, Muslims, Christians, Buddhists, Hindus, Jains, and many others cite compassion as a root of faith.

Muslims, for example, are supposed to start their day – as well as all significant actions that take place each day – by invoking God the Merciful and Compassionate (Bism-i-llah a-Rahman-i-Rahim). And part of the point of Ramadan (a month-long observance in which the devout fast from sunup to sundown each day) is to suffer with those who go without on a regular basis, building tangible compassion for them.

For those of the Hindu tradition, compassion is one of the three central virtues.

For Christians, the most common example is likely the parable of the Good Samaritan. I find it interesting that the dominant example of compassion in the Christian tradition essentially involves definition #2.

Of course – and not surprisingly – Martin Luther King Jr. took the Good Samaritan and make it more.

A true revolution of values will soon cause us to question the fairness and justice of many of our past and present policies. On the one hand, we are called to play the Good Samaritan on life’s roadside, but that will be only an initial act. One day we must come to see that the whole Jericho Road must be transformed so that men and women will not be constantly beaten and robbed as they make their journey on life’s highway. True compassion is more than flinging a coin to a beggar. It comes to see that an edifice which produces beggars needs restructuring.

The Jews and the Buddhists.

Both the Jewish tradition and the Buddhist tradition embrace the idea of compassion from the perspective of the word’s etymological meaning.

A suffering with that leads one to action.

I am told that at the beginning of instruction in Buddhism, many new followers are overflowing with the desire to show compassion to the world. That burning desire to love the world into a different state of being. And yet, they are taught, the most difficult first lesson of compassion is learning to have it for yourself. For, if you do not have compassion for yourself, you cannot have it for another.

In the mystical Kabbalah tradition of Judiasm, a similar theme is stated:

Kindness gives to another. Compassion knows no other.

And that’s the root of it. At least for me it is.

Compassion and love and all of the other virtues we chase in our over-stimulated world of chaos, begin with the person in the mirror.

You.

The Point.

The trigger for this little exploration of compassion (and I know, I’ve not even scratched the surface) was hearing the word bandied about so much by those moved by the earthquake in Haiti. It typically felt to me as if those calling for a compassionate response were more often actually asking for sympathy accompanied by a donation.

Don’t misunderstand, the people of Haiti need our help. They need every penny than can be poured into their country. But they need that on all of the other days of the year in which there was no earthquake.

So I’m trying to sort through just what it means to be compassionate. And in all my reading it kept coming back to the way in which I approach myself. If I cannot and do not show compassion to myself, I can’t be terribly effective in showing it to others. It seems like it would be like trying to show someone how to tie their shoes when you don’t know how to tie your own.

I know that I’ve ended up in this post with more questions than answers. But I think that’s okay. As Christian theologian Thomas Aquinas is reputed to have said, “I would rather have compassion than know the meaning of it.”

That’s where I’m coming out right now.

But I’d really like to hear from all of you. What is compassion from where you sit in the universe? What isn’t it? How does one embrace compassion in real and tangible ways?

The comment box is below. Please make use of it.

When was the last time you were faced with a situation in which being honest – and following your own conscience about something – was at odds with your external security?

And when I say “security” I mean anything from the really dramatic (your actual life or the life of someone you care about) all the way down to something like your job.

What did you do?

A Story

Someone – let’s call her Mimi – worked for a company run by someone whose primary focus in life was earning at any cost. The sanity of employees was of no concern. Ethical behavior toward other companies was out of the question. Anything resembling the word “integrity” was laughable.

Mimi was the manager of a product line offered by this company. It was a small product line with a lot of potential. One day, the owner of an external company came to Mimi seeking to do a deal that would allow him to white label one of Mimi’s products into his own.

Unbeknownst to this guy, Mimi had already begun development on a product that would directly compete with this guy’s product. She wasn’t concerned, however, because the market was big enough to sustain the presence of both products, with plenty left over for growth. And the white labeling of the existing product to this guy’s company wasn’t a problem, because he needed the information delivered by the product, and it’s better that Mimi get paid for providing it, rather than someone else.

So Mimi is pleased by the deal she cuts and goes to tell her Boss about the new competitor, as well as the white labeling. Mimi also tells him that she’s formulating a way of telling the guy about the product she’s developing, since it doesn’t feel right to her to not say anything and let him find out when the product releases.

Boss doesn’t get it. He tells Mimi that she is absolutely NOT to tell the guy about the competing product. Further, he instructs her to gather as much information as possible on the guy’s product to ensure that Mimi’s new product will be as good as or better than the one the guy is launching. Even further, he expresses a dubiousness about “helping” the guy access the information created by the product Mimi has just white labeled to the guy.

Mimi is frustrated and unsure.

She really doesn’t know what to do. Her heart and her conscience tell her to absolutely tell the guy about the new product, but Boss has more or less indicated that her job is on the line if she does.

For awhile, Mimi stays silent. She has multiple conversations with the guy, setting up the implementation of the white label agreement, but never mentions the new product.

And this does not feel good to her.

She struggles with the ethics of it all.

Yes, she knows her boss is a dunderhead. And dishonest. And probably some other d-words.

Mimi’s Choice

After some few days of mulling things over, Mimi decided to tell the guy about the competing product she is developing. She knew that if Boss found out, at the very least she’ll get berated. At worst, she’ll be fired.

It seemed worth the risk to keep some semblance of her integrity intact.

The Guy’s Response

The guy heard Mimi out, heard Mimi reassure him that so long as she’s in charge, he would be able to white label the data she’s providing him.

She could hear the smile.

“The market’s big enough for both of us,” he said. “And maybe where our products are different, we can help one another out, while also helping our respective customers get what they actually need to do business better.”

She was relieved. He had a similar ethical structure to her own. They talked about Karma and the value of treating people the way you want others to treat you.

While she still fears Boss finding out what she did – telling the competition about an emerging product – she feels she did the right thing … by her own conscience, by the business relationship she’s built with the guy, and even for the fledgling product she’s building.

The Point

It’s easy to talk about things like integrity and ethics in the abstract. It’s a much different matter when it’s the real world and your job (and in extreme cases, your life) depend upon your decisions.

Don’t think I’m being all Pollyanna about Mimi’s story. She could still lose her job, and she’s the only money-earner in her household. The prospect of losing her job is a big, huge deal. But I’m aware that Mimi stands by her decision all the same.

In the same situation, would I? Would you?

Haiti.

Just that one word probably pulls up images that we’ve all seen in the past week or so. The one of the woman with dried vomit and blood on her face, covered by a whitish coating of what I presume is pulverized cement powder.

A dear friend of mine was there, working on access to clean water for the many in Haiti who didn’t have access to clean water before the earthquake. He survived. Ironically, the UNDP base managed to keep its internet link up (I’m guessing it was satellite-based), and my friend posted to his Facebook profile that he was okay.

Not so much for the millions in Port-au-Prince.

Haiti is the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere. There are (were) a majority of people in that little patch of island, eking out an existence (most definitely not “a living”) on less than the local equivalent of $2 a day. Could you exist on less than $2 a day wherever you live? More than a billion people around the world do it. All day. Every day.

And Yet …

And yet, as we’re seeing the very literal dust begin to settle in Haiti … supplies are starting to get through, the injured (who survived long enough) are beginning to be treated properly… we’re seeing the survivors, well, surviving.

They’ve moved their little charcoal stoves (think campfire; not Frigidaire) out into areas free of debris, and not in the shadow of partially fallen buildings, and they’re cooking. They’re pulling the one or two things they had out of the pile that was once their house, and are preparing to rebuild … again.

These folks get slammed by hurricanes regularly. An earthquake is effectively the same, without all the water. And because they don’t have much to begin with, they are great at picking up and moving forward.

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not at all romanticizing what has happened there. I was in Turkey for a similarly-sized earthquake. I know what happens to improperly-mixed cement when the ground undulates. The one Turkish word I am least likely to ever forget is deprem (earthquake).

What I’m Trying To Say…

What would you (or I) do in a similar situation? Could we, as wealthy (in that global relative sense of wealth) individuals who suddenly lost everything to some natural disaster, survive? Think an earthquake measuring 10. Think a tsunami that reaches Colorado or Ohio. Think a plague or pandemic. Think the unthinkable.

Once we got past the point of trying over and over to get a mobile phone signal, what would we do? I know some might curl up in a Twitter-withdraw ball, but you’ll eventually get hungry.

How many of us know how to build a fire without matches or a lighter to start it? Do you know how to filter contaminated water so it’s safe to drink? What’s the right thing to do with your personal waste? Do you know which plants you can eat and which ones will kill you? Did you memorize enough episodes of MacGyver that, given enough of a supply of duct tape, you could overcome the bad guys who will inevitably take advantage of the situation?

Most of us who survived one of those natural disasters would die of our own ignorance not long after. Without wikipedia to help us get through it, we are  in trouble.

Unless …

If we watch the ways in which the Haitians pull together, and learn from it, we might have a chance. If we think and plan ahead, we might survive. We do not have to descend into the morass of violence and murder in order to make a way forward. I’m not talking about utopia here folks, I’m talking about being smart now; before you actually need to be.

Maybe the Haitians are still living life in closer connection to the earth than we are. Maybe that’s mostly necessity, but still, that connection – that understanding is what’s helping those who survived the initial disaster to survive now. Because they’re accustomed to needing to work together to survive, they’re continuing to work together, in spite of radical shortages of food, water, shelter, and medical care.

That’s not to say there aren’t bad guys there, taking instead of sharing, but they seem to be in the minority.

Projections by doomsayers in the US indicate that survivors of a natural disaster here won’t be able to make it without resorting to violence and hording.

I want to believe that’s not true.

I want to believe that we’re capable of rising above our spoiled, privileged existence to care for our neighbors as well as ourselves in the midst of a disaster. We saw hints of this in New York nearly 9 years ago. We saw fewer hints of it in New Orleans in 2005.

I’m not harping on preparations for an unknown disaster here. In the 1950s, people installed “bomb shelters” in their back yards out of that kind of fear orientation. Instead, I’d like to suggest that we make a conscious decision here and now that, in the face of the unimaginable, we will continue to be human beings and that we will see those around us as human beings as well.

Remember that earthquake I mentioned before? The one in Turkey? The one I was caught in?

Well many, many people died there too. In fact, the only time in my life as a photojournalist that I intentionally destroyed negatives was in the midst of that disaster. Some things I just won’t be responsible for exposing people to.

Still, in the middle of that, I was walking down the street with my companions and a young boy came out and pulled us (politely) into what had once been his family’s front yard. His mother had seen us coming, and had put on tea. On a fire made of what I think had previously been furniture. She managed to find a sufficient number of mostly-unbroken cups and saucers for us to share in this simple ritual of hospitality. And we did.

As we sat talking over our tea, we learned that, somewhere in the pile of rubble behind us … rubble that a day previous had been her house … our hostess’s husband and baby girl lay buried.

Never in my life have I appreciated a cup of tea more than I did that day. And I pray I am never faced with another situation capable of topping it.

The Simple Power of Being Human

Human beings who choose to retain their humanity in the face of unspeakable adversity are the most incredible, resilient, powerful creatures anywhere.

How much more can we do if we choose to face the world as human beings filled with compassion when there’s not a disaster?

What can you do, right now, today, to embrace those around you as human beings of worth and innate goodness? If you do it now – if you learn this behavior in this moment, you will carry it forward into whatever the future may hold for us all.

No, this is not a New Year’s Resolutions post. Well, not a typical one anyway.

I receive a postcard from a friend living in Japan once each month. She was born and raised in the United States, but has lived in Japan longer than she lived in the US before going there. She lives and works in the northern part of Japan, and is just one of the most amazing women I know.

Her name is Mary (her last name is not important for the purposes of this post).

I first met Mary in 1994. I was working for the NGO that funds her work in Japan, and she was considered by some in the organization as “challenging.” I was on the communication team for the organization (actually, I was the main writer and photographer for this organization), so I was given the task of interviewing Mary when she was back stateside, as well as shooting a new photo of her for fund raising stuff.

And let me say, I was prepared for a difficult, demanding individual … who never showed up.

Never Believe the Hype

I knew from reading her bio that Mary had trained as a mathematician prior to taking up her work for the NGO. I was aware that she had devoted herself to the intensive study of the Japanese Tea Ceremony for many of the years she’d lived in Japan, and considered it to be part of her personal spiritual discipline. I figured out quickly that she is very much the introvert, in a role (when stateside) that requires a tremendous put on act as an extrovert for a long stretch of time.

In other words, Mary has a keen analytical mind that is orderly, disciplined, and gets tired of too much external stimulation.

So I approached  her with that in mind. In so doing, I discovered someone with an incredible passion for her work. Someone who works harder than most of us do, for less pay, and for far less appreciation. Someone I almost instantly admired.

Thankfully, Mary liked me too. She even paid me the kindness of saying that, in her long history with the organization, I was the only one ever to quote her accurately. I wanted to tell her story. I wanted supporters of the NGO to understand – really, deeply understand the work she was doing.

She also liked the photograph I made of her. She’s one of those people (not unlike me) who is a challenge to shoot. This has nothing to do with one’s attractiveness; it’s about something much deeper. Some people are just so conscious of everything about themselves that they can’t settle themselves for the fraction of a second required to expose the film to the light bouncing off them.

Aside: Yes, I used the word “film”. It is an antiquated substance used to capture the image revealed when light bounces off an object (or person) at certain frequencies. Try wikipedia. I’m sure they have an entry on it somewhere.

Anyway …

Even after I’d moved on from the NGO, Mary stayed in touch. There were occasional emails, actual snail mail letters, and the like going both directions across the Pacific. I walked with Mary through her encounter with ovarian cancer (a cancer that the Japanese are doing really well with … and are far ahead of the West in treating … so much so that Mary is now a 10-year survivor. Yes, I said TEN YEARS).

Eventually, Mary shifted to writing me a postcard at the beginning of each month. The postcards are sometimes series of cats. Sometimes they’re from museums. Sometimes they come from her occasional pilgrimage to Mt. Fuji. Often, they involve monkeys, because I was (according to the 12-year animal calendar) born in the year of the monkey. At the start of each New Year, Mary sends me one of the special Japanese New Year postcards, on which the incoming animal for that year is celebrated by the other animals of the calendar.

This postcard I just received from Mary celebrates the incoming of Tiger’s year … Mary’s year. She was born in the year of the Tiger, but even more importantly, she is reaching her 5th cycle in this round of it being her year. This is a big deal in Japan.

On the card she wrote:

Author Ayako Sono got rid of photos and tens of thousands of pages of manuscripts when she turned 60 (5 full cycles, so a special age in the cultures that do the 12-animal cycles), and I have decided to do the same . . . It’s actually quite satisfying to lighten my footprint on earth.

The Point

Part of the point is that I wanted to tell you about my friend Mary … someone about whom no one will ever make a movie, or (unless I do it) write a book. And yet she is one of those remarkable individuals who has changed the lives of many people, simply by following her heart and doing work she feels called to do. I am not nearly so brave as she is. Would that I were.

The other part of the point is that we’re in a world based upon continual accumulation. There’s never enough. And that’s true even if you’re trying to help those who are genuinely suffering. Mary’s postcard got me to thinking about what I can do to “lighten my footprint on earth.” I’m still thinking, and it’s a worthy endeavor.

How about you?

No matter who among us desires to be seen as humble, and no matter who among us actually achieve it, we all have egos. Each and every one of us.

The ego serves as a kind of insulator, a protector between the ways in which we choose to see the world, and the way it actually is. For some, this goes to the extreme of egomania or a kind of self-centeredness that causes a very real and genuine belief (albeit sometimes unspoken or unconscious) that the would quite literally revolves around them and only them.

Of course, this isn’t true of anyone reading (or writing) this blog.

Never.

Of course not.

How silly of me to even mention it.

Huh?

The truth we never want to admit is that we all egomaniacs of one sort or another, because we all see the world through our own eyes and experiences, and those filters inherently change perception.

The key differences we will find amongst ourselves has more to do with whether we use the ego as a tool for good, or allow it to be a self-determined monster.

Ego as Monster

This doesn’t require a ton of explanation, because we’ll all both seen this person, and have been this person.

A style of walk that indicates fear of nothing and command of everything. A way of sitting that takes up more space than is physically required for your body as a means of indicating that you’re big and strong and deserving of the deference indicated by large space. A talking down to those deemed inferior – whether they are perceived as being less (like service personnel) or as being stupid (meaning less intelligent or learned). The sort of person who is courted by those who strive to become that, and avoided by those who are actually holding on to some semblance of sanity.

I’m not going to venture into the idea that often these people who give the appearance of having the largest egos you’ve ever encountered are often covering up for fears and a sense of inadequacy. That is well-known. What matters in this scenario is that the filters we all have for taking in data from the world in which we exist have been given a place of importance in this person’s mind and heart that makes about as much sense as putting a screen door on a submarine.

Filters through which we take in communications and other stimuli around us are just that; filters. Sometimes they’re wrong. But we can sometimes give to them too much importance and then they skew our perception of the world and tend to subsequently screw up our lives. Not a good scenario.

Ego as a Tool for Good

Let’s be honest. If you’re without an ego, you’re without any sense of self. Yes, I am fully aware of a number of spiritual traditions that advocate the shedding of the Self. More carefully examined and more fully understood, however, they’re not actually about the killing of the ego; they’re about seeing it for what it is – a set of filters, which are really just tools – and not giving those tools any more importance than is needed.

I like to think of it this way …

When our ego is being used by us as a force for good, we are empowered to see ourselves as we are seen by others. What I mean by this is that we use these filters to sift through the sensory inputs that are heaped upon us day-in and day-out, and drawing from them a sense of the ways in which we are being experienced by those around us. The ways in which our words hurt or heal. The ways in which our actions or inaction are contributing to either healing and hope or death and despair.

The Point

Part of what has really messed with the past six months of my life has been the fact that I work for someone who is not using the ego as a force for good. Instead, his ego is being used to destroy both individuals and a company. In really ugly ways. And the saddest part to me is that I do believe he no longer realizes that’s what he’s doing. The monster is in total control and is fast becoming a sort of cancerous mass that is growing exponentially. And cancers of that sort usually have the same messy, sad ending.

For a long time, I was allowing that ego to crush me. To adversely effect my own ego – my own sense of self. And I realized it had to stop.

That’s really hard.

Somewhere along the line, I came to understand that I have the ability to control my own ego and that in so doing I began to see the ways in which others see me. It was kind of scary. And uncomfortable. And made me want to go live in a cave far, far from normal society. But then I realized that the kitty box still needed someone to scoop it, so I decided I’d better stick around.

So I started trying to use my ego for good and not evil.

I’m the first to admit that I’m not perfect at it yet. This is mostly because I think this is a long process that is fraught with fits and starts. Still, I keep trying. Trying to see myself as others see me, and adjusting my behavior to project to the world the person I really – deep in my soul – want to be.

I’ll get there one of these days. In the interim, it’s proving to be an interesting journey.

Yes, yes, I know. First I fall off the radar for months, and now I’m back like a bad plate of sushi, promising shiny new things.

But …

This is real. I have had some majore 3D-world stuff to face down for the past six months or so, and in the midst of very nearly losing my Self, I realized something.

So what?

So what if I’m overwhelmed, over loaded, out of energy, and no longer know which way is up? It’s all about priorities, and it’s damn time I start setting those priorities for myself, rather than allowing the world around me to do the setting. After all, who has my best interests at heart? Me, or the schmoe who is far more concerned with the growth of his beach house hand he will ever be with my happiness, fulfillment, and financial future?

Well, if the answer isn’t a resounding, “ME! Dammit!” I have some serious problems.

But seriously …

I’ve made lists, and I’m knocking stuff off of them one-by-one. One items on the Twitching Grey Matter list is blogging. Blogging twice a week, to be specific. (I’m also blogging twice a week for my ittybiz, Online Sound Advice, but that’s another list entirely.)

As the year progresses, I will be revealing (slowly, because this is a big deal to me and honestly, it’s kind of scary) a massive project I’m taking on, and which will eventually be integrated into this blog. More on that in future posts though.

To those who have, from time to time, checked in here to see where I am and all, I say “thank you.” Really and truly.

For those who forgot that they hadn’t yet deleted this seemingly-defunct feed, I’m asking for another chance. Please.

Here We Go

This isn’t just some random resolution I’ve concocted for the New Year. This is my life. And this blog is the place in which I can bring together all of the random pieces and tidbits that make up who I am, and dump them out into what I hope is at least a semi-intelligible format for your consideration.

I’m still going to hit on communication, theology, quantum theory and mechanics, and all of the other things that fascinate me and hold my attention for uncharacteristically long periods of time. But I’m also going to do more. I’m on an adventure toward building enough varied streams of income to allow me to leave the 5th Circle (my current employer’s nickname … think Dante) without fear of losing my house.

Will it be easy?

Hell no.

Will it be worth it?

As my most beloved writer Madeleine L’Engle once wrote, “Anything on the side of life is worth a try.” And this is most decidedly on the side of life for me.

Welcome to the adventure. Again. I hope you’ll pull up a chair and join me.

I drive a long distance to my job. It’s 30 miles each way, every day. Yes, bleck. Further, this drive is in the vicinity of one of the larger metropolis areas of the United States. So there are a lot of people on the road. A lot of different sorts of people.

And these people and their driving got me to thinking.

Two Sorts of Drivers

It has struck me – since I recently started paying attention – that there are really two main groupings of drivers.

1 – Those who care only about how quickly they can get from point A to point B.

2 – Those who realize we’re all on this road together.

The folks who fall into the first category are the ones who go as fast as the laws of physics (and their engines) will allow, crawling up the tailpipe of anyone blocking their way. They zip in and out of lanes – with millimeters to spare between their bumper and the bumper of the cars around them, passing on whichever side they perceive as being clear enough to get around the person in front of them.

When there is a merge, they don’t let anyone in. When they are merging, they will force you into an emergency stop so they can push their way into traffic.

They invented what I call the “Boston Left Hand Turn”*. They also have no qualms about making right hand turns from the left hand lane (or visa versa).

These folks use their horn a lot and their middle finger even more.

*The Boston Left Hand Turn (think US driving here folks) is when you want to make a left hand turn, and pull out into the near lane, blocking it, until someone in the far lane stops and lets you in so you quit blocking the other lane of traffic. Yes, this happens a lot in Boston, but I’ve seen it other places too.

The folks who fall in the second category may well be just as anxious to reach a given destination as those in the first category, but they approach the whole driving thing in a very different way.

While it may not be conscious, they “get” that everyone on the road is trying to get somewhere, and if we all work at this driving thing together, we’ll all make it in one piece.

These are the folks who pass in the correct passing lane (unless there’s an entirely clueless person blocking that lane forever). They may drive fast, but never so fast that they’re in danger of beginning a low altitude flight.

They make sure they can actually see the car(s) behind them in a mirror before jumping in front of someone, and they don’t force their way into lanes just because they can.

These folks, when faced with a merge situation, will slow down or speed up to facilitate the cars merging with them. And when they’re merging they will get into traffic in such a way so as to not endanger lives.

In short, this second group works with the drivers around them to keep things moving and safe.

But what does this have to do with communication?

Well, given that I have such a long drive, I see lots of each category of people every day. The saddest days are when someone from category 1 misjudges something and ends up killing themselves and/or someone from category 2 (I’ve seen both first hand).

But as I thought more about it, I realized that the way people communicate broadly fit into these two categories as well.

Category 1

When these folks communicate, they have an end point in mind. Diversions from this end point are a waste of their time and so they constantly pull back the focus of the conversation to their perceived path of their desired end point.

You often find that conversations with these folks are about them and their stories. Any stories you tell them are really a means for them to tell you their own version of the same story-type.

They often talk fast, and rather than spending time listening, they’re really just waiting for you to stop talking so they can talk.

Category 2

When these folks communicate, they’re working to make sure that the message they want to give is being received in the clearest possible way by everyone else involved. They strive for clarity and want to use communication as a means of getting things done, expressing an opinion or desire, or being with others more fully.

They love to collect the stories of others, because this enriches their own experience of the world. They often also love to tell stories, but as a way of giving to others as they have received.

They will often listen more than they speak, but aren’t necessarily afraid to share their opinions.

No, this isn’t perfect…

…but it’s not meant to be. These are just broad categories.

Now I have no doubt that it’s obvious which sort of driver and which sort of communicator I think is more desirable.

I despise the drivers who force me to slam on my brakes because they just had to force their way into a space that wasn’t big enough for their vehicle. Likewise, I struggle mightily communicating with people whose only focus is themselves and their needs.

In the case of the former I am ashamed to admit that once such driver who nearly clipped me caused a major accident a few miles later. My shame comes from the fact that I had a “well you deserved it, asshole” moment when I saw his car flipped over.

In the case of the latter, I am equally ashamed to admit that I end up not taking these folks seriously. I quit listening to them. And that really just means I’ve become like them and well, that’s not a good thing.

The Point

The point is that we can make choices in how we drive and how we communicate. And those choices have tangible effects on people around us. Sometimes these effects are literally life-and-death (though more with driving than with communication).

What choice will you make?

I’ve been sick for more than a week now. Coughing fits so severe that I fully expect to see what the inside of my own lung looks like one of these times.

I don’t get sick often. It’s even more unusual for me to get sick in the summertime. After all, during the summer there’s lots of air flow sweeping away the icky germs that can cause this stuff.

And when I do get sick, it typically only lasts a couple of days; three at most.

But not this time. I’m currently on day 11 of this strange version of whooping cough. Yes, I know it’s not actually whooping cough, but the coughing is bad enough that the cats scurry out of the room when the fit is upon me.

Still, in the midst of this I ask myself why am I sick? And why is it taking so long to get out of my system? After all, I can accept that everyone gets sick sometimes. It’s just part of the way the human body works.

And then I remembered something…

For anyone who doesn’t know, I’m sort of a fangirl of Pam Slim. And if you’ve not been paying attention here, Pam’s fantabulous blog, Escape from Cubicle Nation, has spawned a book by the same title.

In her book, Pam talks about the fact that some work environments can fit us so poorly that they make us physically ill. She’s not talking about toxins in the office building (though that’s a subject all its own); she’s talking about the demands placed upon you by a job you are ill-suited for breaking down your immune system to the point that it picks up bugs like a hooker on the Boulevard on Saturday night.

Is this me?

Well obviously, my immune system is compromised enough that I picked up a rather virulent bug. Where did I get it? Honestly, I have no idea.

I’ve not been to the doctor’s office or a hospital lately (best two places in the world to get sick). My SBH has been out of town for work for more than a month. No plague-carrying munchkins in my life. No one in the 5th Circle has been sick lately either.

So although the genesis of my sickness isn’t obvious, I’m still sick. And it’s hanging on.

Could it be work that’s (at least) exacerbating it?

I think so.

I have so much on my plate that it looks like Bubba’s plate at the Country Buffet just after the waitstaff issue last call. Even if I spent all my time doing the tasks that are dripping off the sides of my plate, I’d still never get it all done.

It’s. Not. Physically. Possible.

So yeah, I have some stress.

Plus there’s that whole thing of not actually liking what I’m doing. Yeah, that’s a problem.

It’s not that I didn’t believe Pam’s assertions before. Not at all. I just (stupidly) didn’t think I was one of those people who could get sick because of what their day job is doing to them physically, psychically, and spiritually.

Is this you?

Seriously, is it? Are you getting sicker more often and for longer periods of time than you used to? Is there any possibly of a causal relationship between the getting (and staying) sick and your job?

(And for the record, I personally believe that this can just as easily happen to entrepreneurs who choose their line of business unwisely.)

If this is you, what are you doing to change things? This is an actual question. I really do want to know. I’m trying to do this myself and am a bit stuck – despite some of my recent progress.

I’m asking for your wisdom here folks. Do you suffer in sickness? Do you say f#@% it all and change everything? Do you set an end point and do what you must to meet it? What do you do?

The Point

Yes, I’m seriously asking this for my own growth and understanding, but I also feel that there’s value in each of us asking ourselves these sorts of questions regularly.

You may be fortunate and blessed enough to be doing exactly the work you most want to do every moment of the day. If that’s you, I’m really and truly very happy for you. But, I honestly don’t believe that’s most of us.

Even if you love what you do most of the time, those other things can become incredibly burdensome and morph into some of what I’ve been talking about above.

But perhaps the true wisdom is in questioning yourself on where you are, what you’re doing, and how you feel about it BEFORE you get all coughing-up-a-lung sick.

Paying more attention to what you’re doing, who you are, and what makes you want to get out of bed in the morning other than a full bladder can perhaps prevent situations like the one in which I find myself right now.

It’s all about paying attention. Something I’m finally learning to do.

How about you?

If you look at my alleged location in my Twitter profile, you’ll see that it says I’m in the “Land of Unfettered Minds.” In truth, this isn’t anywhere … well, not anywhere you’ll find on a map.

To me, the Land of Unfettered Minds is a place in which we are able to sit with one another, communicate clearly our wants and needs and desires, and clearly understand and receive the wants and needs and desires of those with us in that place. This place is my goal; the land where I want to end up, and to which I’m inviting you to travel.

If you dare.

Yes it actually is a sort of dare, because it is a challenging journey. A journey in which we must all unlearn so very much that we’ve been taught by our culture, our media, and (often) by those we hold most dear in this life.

The vast majority of our poor communication habits are learned behaviors. We learned them because they were modeled for us by our parents, siblings, teachers, and others whose paths crossed ours at one time or another. When any child sees the same sort of behavior modeled again and again, that child unconsciously comes to understand that this is how to behave. And that’s what happens. If we had more folks whose communication habits were healthier surrounding us when we grew up, we’d likely have healthier habits now.

I’m not blaming here; just explaining that who we are now – the ways in which we communicate with ourselves and one another – are based upon behaviors we learned when we were rug rats, scooting around on the lineolium.

But Now, We Have Choices

Yup, I’m about to say that we don’t have to maintain those bad habits. We can even – GASP! – learn new, better communication habits.

Here’s a secret: This isn’t the easiest of tasks. But don’t let that stop you.

Seriously.

Don’t let it stop you.

Why?

Because you’ll get to visit the Land of Unfettered Minds. And who doesn’t want to do that?

Okay, more seriously then…

Fresh Breath and More Hot Dates

Oh wait. I said “more seriously,” didn’t I? Oh well.

Here’s the thing … getting rid of unhealthy and unhelpful communication habits changes the way you interact with yourself and with the world.

For the better.

Example?

Let’s say you’re like me and whenever you make a moving-too-fast-with-too-many-balls-in-the-air mistake the first thing you think is “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” When I continuously tell myself that I’m stupid, my Self – that innate part of me that is most truly Me – comes to believe it. My Self takes in that information and sews it on to my identity … kind of like a patchwork quilt.

The more I tell myself how stupid I am, the more “Stupid!” patches get sewn on to the quilt. If it goes on long enough, I end up with a “Stupid!” Quilt.  Yup, and this quilt – made up of me telling myself how Stupid! I am – is what my Self wraps me in whenever I’m feeling scared and alone.

So then in a moment where comfort and love are called for, I’m wrapped in a quilt made up of Stupid! patches. So much for comfort and love, eh?

The Value of UnLearning

Now imagine this … instead of saying “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” every time I make a mistake (and trust me, I make lots and lots of mistakes), I say something different; something new to my Self.

Maybe I say, “Oops! I shouldn’t have tried to do that when I have so much else going on. Need to remember that for next time something similar comes up.”

Or perhaps bettter:

“Wow, that wasn’t the smartest thing I’ve ever done. Why did I do that? Oh really? Okay, I need to get my Self and my actions onto the same page. There. That’s much better.”

There are many variations on this theme, none of which include the creation of a Stupid! patch for my quilt. In fact, some of these create patches that are made up of “forgiveness” and “compassion” and “remembering” and even “love.”

And you know what happens then when my Self wraps me in my quilt?

I don’t hate myself more and more. Instead, I soak in the warm goodness of compassion, forgiveness, remembering, and love. And in turn I can’t help but to send that out to those with whom I interact.

In other words, a journey to the Land of Unfettered Minds – the land in which you have unlearned bad communication habits, and developed better, kinder, healthier ones – can change your entire world.

Do you dare?

Are you willing to make this leap of faith into this undiscovered country? The journay may not always be easy, but it will be worth it.

Really.

Promise.

Wanna come?